Kiss Me Monster (1969)

Director: Jess Franco
Starring: Janine Reynaud, Rosanna Yanni, Adrian Hoven, Michel Lemoine, Barta Barri,
Music: Jerry Van Rooyen (and Daniel White)

Kiss Me Monster is another Jess Franco film. This time I am not going to bombard you with information about how weird Franco’s films are. Those who have been paying attention already know that. For those that need a refresher, check out reviews of Lucky The Inscrutable and Future Women. For the rest of you who are brave enough – let’s move on. Kiss Me Monster is a sequel to Two Undercover Angels (AKA: Sadisterotica), which starred Janine Reynaud as Rosanna Yanni as two swinging female detectives, who run a detective agency called Red Lips.

The movie starts with one of the Red Lips, Regina (Rosanna Yanni) speeding towards the airport in her white sports car, but she is stopped by a car blocking the road. Alighting from the car is Maloo from Interpol. Maloo is dressed in a bright yellow suit. This isn’t a costume, this is his idea of fashion. If you think that is nonsensical wait till you hear his question for Regina. He says ‘There’s some kind of madman who is making human’s from tin cans or something like that – do you have any information’. Kind of vague, isn’t it? Regina says that particular case is now closed and she is heading to the airport to go back home. Maloo allows her to leave, but promises to follow on the next flight.

Diana (Janine Reynaud), the other half of the Red Lips and Regina catch their flight and leave the country. As the credits roll, we see their plane take off and land, and then there’s a black and white car chase with characters I don’t recognise. I don’t think it has anything to do with this film. But once the girls arrive home, Diana carries inside a big red box. This box is the Maguffin in the movie.

Barely have the girls had any time to unpack or undress, and there is a knock at the door. It is Maloo. He said he was going to catch the next flight. No doubt it left exactly three minutes after the girls flight because he has got there just as quickly. And he has brought a friend with him. This man is Inspector Kramer (Barta Barri), also from Interpol. Kramer wants to know all the details of the girls last case. Under threat of arrest, the girls flash back to how it all began…

It started at their house a few months back. On a stormy night, there is a knock at their door. Regina answers and finds a young man with a rolled up piece of sheet music. He says that the score is for the Red Lips. Before he can say too much more he is killed by a knife thrown into his back. Rather than reporting the murder, the girls put the body in their car and drive to some cliffs overlooking the sea. Then they toss the body into the water below.

One of the lyrics in the sheet music convinces the girls to make a trip abroad to a place called Abilene. It seems that their arrival was expected though – by quite a few interested parties, including a group of amazons, a satanic cult, a few mobsters and some unorthodox scientists. For here on the girls start to unravel the clues and move to discover the whereabouts of Professor Bertrand who has found a way to clone people. When I say ‘unravel the clues’, I am being kind of generous because not much makes too much sense.

At one point Regina says ‘I just want to know what’s going on?’
Diana replies ‘You don’t need to know!’

I guess that sums up the whole film really. I wouldn’t spend too much of your time trying to work out the story. Just let the candy coloured visuals and the music sweep over you. As this is a Franco film, the music isn’t too bad. Say what you like about Mr. Franco’s directorial ability, but it must be admitted most of his films have pretty good jazz scores. This one is by Jerry Van Rooyen who also did Two Undercover Angels. In fact I think it’s the same score, but that doesn’t matter it’s enjoyable.

Speaking of recycling things from Two Undercover Angels, Kiss Me Monster has a groovy nightclub scene where young hipsters bump and sway to an un-named band. Intercut with this footage – and noticeably very different – is the strip club scene from Two Undercover Angels.

As you’ve probably guessed (then again maybe not, because the story is such a mess), the red box from the start of the movie contains Professor Bertrand’s cloning apparatus and all the varied criminals and organisations want to get their hands on it. But it has been hidden in Lo pagan in Spain. (I think Franco also went to Lo pagan for the ending of Lucky The Inscrutable – it must be cheap and have some nice restaurants!)

Kiss Me Monster doesn’t really have any monsters in it. There’s a few dumb clones, but no monsters. There is a kind of spy story running underneath here somewhere, but as I have said, the story doesn’t really matter at all. This film is for Franco fans, and people who like swinging sixties cinema no matter how vacuous it is.

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